i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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