We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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