And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
