I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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