Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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