need another drink. this is the easiest way
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
