Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
