she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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