It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
