he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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