I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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