Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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