I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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