Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
