Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
