MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Two words: nipple clamps
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