Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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