A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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