I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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