Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
