I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
