Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
