I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
