Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Be still, my beating vagina.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
