I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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