My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
