I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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