Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
it's like iHOP with fire
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
