Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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