Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
