I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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