Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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