if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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