You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
