you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
