You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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