so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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