I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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