nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
