i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
