she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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