I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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