Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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