why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
