Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
