"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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