Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
