I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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