I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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