she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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