yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
