Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
